Change

It's one of those inevitable things in life - like death…you know that nothing that you are experiencing right now will really be there in about 6 months. Whether your relationships strengthen or fail - we all are reborn and grow - sometimes without even seeing the change happening.

Each time we change we leave something behind - sometimes not always the thing you ever wanted to leave - but in the end - you're stronger for it - even if you don’t see it right away. There is comfort in knowing that change is something that will always be greeted with something positive in the end (or at least that's the hope, right?).

And for others, there is the realization that those we held so much trust in are not to be trusted.

There have been four deaths in my life this year that have influenced my life for the better I hope.... 3 of my wonderful grandparents and the death of my relationship with Andrew. I try to remind myself that change is something that we have a hard time accepting or understanding until much later. But, as I know too well…loss can make you appreciate what that person taught you in life…and make you reflect a little about how you live your life and what type of person you want to be when you leave someday.

Accepting change is the tricky part. First you must determine why there is resistance to it. It often comes in one of four forms…(according to my internet research)

§ Safety & security: You don’t feel as certain that you will continue to be secure and nurtured as you were before.

§ Relationships: You lose contact with people who are important to you or the nature of the relationship changes…which is hard to accept when you have put so much trust in that person.

§ Competence: You feel less certain of your ability to perform your normal everyday tasks…Doubt about how amazing you are…even if everyone else sees it…it's sometimes hard to see through the fog when you have so many things roaming around your head.

§ Mission & purpose: You once defined yourself by something that you must give up in order to accept the change happening to you. Like when you break up with someone - it's sometimes hard to see why this change is necessary toward the growth of you as a person.

The combination of more than one of these type of resistance can make it even harder to accept the change that is happening to you…

Four factors are particularly important in promoting acceptance:

¨ Caring: People feel that those who have power care about their concerns and will listen to them. Listening to people’s reactions is just as important as explaining the reasons for change.

¨ Control: People have some input into how the change will be implemented. They are asked for opinions or suggestions in any area where their input may be truly considered. Never ask for input that you don’t plan to use.

¨ Choice: People are given options as part of the change process. The more choices people have, the more they feel in control. And some of the energy that previously went into complaining will now go into decision-making.

¨ Competence: People feel that they have the skills, knowledge, and abilities to succeed after the change. The faster you can help someone move through the learning curve, the faster they will accept the change. Keep in mind that “learning” can be about people, places, and cultures as well as about skills and tasks.

If we ask ourselves where our happiest place is...I’d think back to a morning by my dock in Montana. The breeze was cool and my coffee warmed up my palms. The water lay still as the pelicans scooped up fish for breakfast from the lake. I could sit there for hours, meditating on the trickling air that swayed across my skin from side to side.

When we end something...when things get buried and put us in an uncomfortable place again... We are transmitted into our dreams...we want to escape to that morning in Montana... Our safe places far away from the place we are at now.

The world is changing all around me and I’m not longer in control. My tears stream down my face at the most inopportune moments... At a stop light or waiting in line at Trader Joes. I’m not in control...but time and space keep pushing me forward.
It seems we are all similarly displaced within ourselves. Some of us embrace the dark places – I call you the strong ones. You will pull yourself out of the fire like a phoenix rising from some emotional ashes of love lost. You are the “good eggs”... The fighters.

As I grow and learn to protect that woman sitting on a lake...vulnerable to the elements around her... I grow to isolate myself further from those around me. Complaints, being too busy, indifference... It’s all a mask that I put on to keep the wind from knocking me down. Can’t hurt me if I complain about that before you even do it... Can’t hurt me if you can’t catch me.

What if I just stood there. Just let you in... And then you left? At least this way... I can't say you left because of who I really am with no mask on.